I Am Going To Be The Next

My Stand-up Is More Like How I Am In Real Life. I Don't Really Do A Character Thing In Stand-up. It's Just A Bunch Of Sentences That Are Supposed To Be Funny.

You Know It's Time To Do The Laundry When You Dry Off With A Sneaker.

Fat Jokes To Me Are Always, Always Hilarious, As Long As They're Done Towards Yourself.

I Don't Mean To Be Gross, But The Only Time It's Good To Yell "i Have Diarrhea" Is When You're Playing Scrabble Because It's Worth A Shitload Of Points.

Don't Boo People! Don't Boo! Be More Specific! Like, 'why Are You Doing That?! I Hate That! I Hate It!'