Gyms Are Always Packed. The Only Machine

I'm Not Saying That Mcdonald's Gift Certificates Caused The Obesity Epidemic, But In Retrospect, The Timing Is Kind Of Suspicious.

I Only Dated One Asian Girl, But She Was Very Asian. She Was A Panda.

I'd Been Acting And Doing Stand-up In New York About Eight Years, Getting Rejected, And I Finally Got The Opportunity To Do Stand-up On Letterman, Which Holds Even More Importance For Me. With Comedians, That's Definitely The Pinnacle, But Being From Indiana, It Was A Big To-do.

Screaming. Did I Mention The Screaming? Screaming Is Usually Associated With Horror Films And Roller Coasters. This Is Why I Usually Look Like I've Just Watched A Horror Film On A Rollercoaster. Kids Love To Scream. Frightened, Happy, Bored. They Scream. I've Actually Learned To Love The Sound Of A Vacuum Cleaner. It's Just So Peaceful.

Comics Write To Their Point Of View. If You're An Exceedingly Irreverent Comedian, You've Got To See Where That Point Of View Fits Or Produces The Most Funny.