Between Ron Paul And Rick Perry, I

North Korea Has The Same Ability To Launch A Nuclear Strike Against America As I Do. It's Like Walking Through A Parking Lot And Getting Barked At By A Chihuahua Locked In A Car.

Ted Cruz, Of Course, Was Furious That The Big Storm Back East Shut Down The Government. He Said, 'that My Job!' But You Know, There Is A Big Difference Between Ted Cruz And Snow. Both Are White And Everyone’s Sick Of Them – But Eventually Snow Goes Away.

Eric Holder, Our Attorney General, Says The Mr. Snowden Will Be Brought To Justice. Just As Soon As We Can Find Someone Who Can Track His Calls And Read His Emails.

Marvel Comics Announced That The Next Captain America Will Be Black. He Has The Same Powers As White Captain America, Except He Has To Show I.d. When He Votes.

To Give You An Idea How Slowly We Are Leaving Afghanistan, Afghans Don't Refer To Us Anymore As 'infidel Crusaders.' They Refer To Us As 'irish Relatives.'