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Honey, What Happened To "ladies First"? Husband Replies, "that's The Reason Why The Worlds A Mess Today, Because A Lady Went First!"

Do You Remember When You Found Out There Was No Santa Claus? I Was So Upset I Didn't Think I'd Be Able To Do The Show.

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.

Let's See What's Going On Over In Iraq. A Burger King Has Opened Up And Prostitutes Are Back On The Street Of Baghdad After 20 Years. Fast Food And Hookers - They Are Truly Living The American Dream.

The Campaign For The White House Is Heating Up With John Kerry Taking Heat For Throwing His Vietnam Medals Away, Getting A $1000 Haircut, And Wearing A 1970s Wig Known As 'the Leno.' There Are Really Two Sides To This Story. And America Can't Wait For Kerry To Present Both Of Them.